My ex-career as a muslimah

Can of worms March 27, 2011

Filed under: Random — evebitestheapple @ 6:11 am

When I started this blog, I was reeling from my apostasy and decided to take on writing as a form of therapy. I was dealing with a barrage of emotions that were building up by the hour and I needed a way to work through them. There aren’t many outlets for people in my situation outside of a couple of forums for ex-muslims. Sifting through literature about exit counseling for cults was a tremendous help as was reading about apostates of other religions as well apostates of Islam. At first I started journaling in a notebook and I couldn’t write fast enough. My thoughts were an incoherent mess on paper so I considered blogging because I knew a blog would force me to put them in order. I went back and forth with the idea because I wasn’t sure how safe it would be. But then I came across diminutivediva’s blog, then brother a. ran off with a stripper, then deconstruction’s blog and I felt encouraged to go ahead a take my little space on the blogosphere.

I’ve started blogs before but never for anything so personal. When I denounced Islam, I made a commitment to go over all the things that I had questions about before but they were never answered adequately or at all. I also decided that I would take go over every Islamic skeleton that I’d thrown in the closet in order to be able to keep my faith strong. At the time, I didn’t have any intent to try to dissuade anyone from being Muslim because I felt if they wanted to continue to believe in Islam that was their perogative. The Muslims I know aren’t trying to injure people, they just want to practice their faith(at least the good parts). I didn’t feel them to be any different from any other person that follows foolishness so, to each his own. I was, at one point and time, one of  them.

So that is how I have moved forward with my blog, by building my story of  my life as a Muslim to see what I did wrong and going into other topics that I wanted to explore for future reference. Each post takes alot out of me. They often take a couple of hours to compose and leave me feeling spent. However that is not a bad thing as that is part of my objective, to rid myself of every ounce of Islam by owning up to the contradictions and effect it has had on my life. What I have written thus far doens’t even make a smudge in the dust therefore this journey may take me a few months.

Evolution of a revolution

What I find interesting however is that my objective has gradually changed with each post although unintended. As I answer a question, a new one(or two) arises so I hunt down the answers to those as well. It is the secondary questions that have yielded some startling results and taken me in a direction I never intended to go. My quest for understanding has opened a can of worms. Some of the troubling information I have since come across includes:

– was Muhammad even real? As Muslim you just accept it as gospel, there is no reason to question his existence. As an apostate, you see things through a different lens. There aren’t any solid sources outside of Islam that places a Muhammad in the Hejaz region in 610-632 A.D..  Not even Saudi has been able to conjur up anything although it seems they are champions at bulldozing over whatever evidence may have existed.

– if Muhammad was real, there is overwhelming evidence that suggests he was in what is present-day Yemen and not present-day Mecca. I am still piecing all of this together but even the bits and pieces of information present a strong case that Muhammad was never in present-day Mecca. So then the next question becomes who created Mecca and Medina and why?

– was Muhammad Jewish? Again, there is alot of information that points to the  fact that he may have been from the very people he despised. Since there are two ways to be Jewish(by lineage and by conversion), in this sphere I mean by lineage. Many important words from the Quran are Hebrew as I have learned which alludes to his tribe and people being Jewish. It seems scholars try to water down this fact by saying the words are of Assyrian root which is a clever way of weasling out of saying they are Hebrew. Does this sound familiar: Melekh, El Echad, Tsaddik, El Sali? Of course they do because they are Hebrew words for Arabic: Malik(King), Al-Ahad(the one), Sadiq(truthful), and As-Salih(virtuous). Ironically, MDNH(medina) is mentioned in the Book of Ester in the torah/bible but it is not Islam’s Medina. According to the Hebrew meaning it means city. It interesting that medina al-munarrawwah means CITY of the prophet.

– did Muhammad preach for more than three years? Scholars often refer to important dates in terms of Hijrah which can be very confusing. They also intertwine Hijri dates with modern calendar years without making any clear distinction between the two which is misleading. Add to that the fact that Himyarite era in present-day Yemen had a different set of years and the plot really thickens. Why is this important? Because it would put Muhammad in Yemen as a Prophet for only three years and then he died. All the books of seerah have this eerie silence over the first three years of prophethood and then boom, Muhammad decides to get very active. So the next question would be if that’s true then who wrote the rest of the Quran?

– is there a second person on the scene in the Muhammad duo? In the past , I’ve had the sneaking suspicion and alleged that Allah was merely a figment of Muhammad’s imagination. Now I’m beginning to wonder if Muhammad was actually a Messenger of Allah but not the Allah that Muslims imagine. Some of the verses in the Quran clearly read as though Muhammad is being spoken to but definitely not by Jibreel. I find it interesting that there is the mention of many Kings during Muhammads time and that many of them were known to take the position that they were God/Allah. Most Kings had scribes and messengers and one King in particuliar, King Dhu Yazan, gave particuliars to Abd-Muttalib about his grandson(found in an account of the biography of Muhammad). So then the question becomes was Quran being recited to Muhammad by another person and not made up in his mind?

All of these things(and many more) led me to some troubling theories, theories that will be hard to prove with my research being limited to the internet and the fact that little archeological evidence exists to support Muhammad, Mecca, and Medina. But what is even more troubling is the fact that people are ruining the lives of others on a religion that is built on sand. This is when it really sank in that women are oppressed and beaten, people are murdered, and lives are ruined for a doctrine that may be completely false. Because of this, my objective has evolved from being therapeutic to the need to help rid people of this awful belief system. Right now my primary focus is my children. I’ve moved from letting them choose what’s comfortable for themselves to making it a point that they understand Islam is false. Because they still have Muslim family,I have to equip them with all the knowledge I can that will keep them from being sucked back in. As for the Muslims I was close to, all but one have blacklisted me and will not talk to me so my what I learn will not be of any aid to them.

I’m beginning to see that I can’t let 14 years of experience go to waste. I understand things from a perspective that the most highly-skilled undercover agent will never be able to understand because I have lived it. I will admit that on most days I just want to fade off into the sunset and forget that I had been Muslim for so many years. But as the days pass, there is a evolution of a revolution happening in the soul of a former muslimah and perhaps it is my time to initiate change no matter how small it may be.


5 Responses to “Can of worms”

  1. Anisah Says:

    Very interesting, I never thought about this. Would love to hear more in depth about it.

  2. Stephanie Says:

    I’ve never actually questioned the existence of Muhammad and thinking of it I’m not sure why. I’ve not looked into the historical evidence surrounding much of the claims in the hadith but you’re absolutely right: the Saudi’s absolutely whitewash all actual historical or archeological evidence which might be counter to the traditional accounts. Not much research exists which look at the early Muslims from a purely scientific and scholarly point of view, and indeed if someone today were to bring forth such claims they’d surely be met with much resistance and possibly death.

    • Anisah Says:

      Stephanie: “they’d surely be met with much resistance and possibly death.” only if they said there was no archeological or historic evidence of Muhammed. If they said there was, they would be welcomed with open arms.

      Anisah, fellow murtad

  3. Rasheed Says:


    im loving your site. Im a black-english muslim seriously mulling over renouncing Islam. Ive been muslim since I was 21, now 38. I made some stupid sacrifices for this deen & to this day I dont feel like Allah has ever appreciated my turning my whole life to him to please only him. A few weeks back after thinking about another crap year Ive been living, I just decided that even being a Jumma’Muslim was tiresome. I hadnt prayed regularly 5times a day in years, hadn’t fasted in 3years due to health problems.(funny thing is a (so-called) muslim friend (akhi) of mine said keep fasting even though I explained I have complications when going so long without water!!) I just got up one day & said whats the point what has Islam done for me? In my darkest hours and in my most desperate pleas(duas) for help, all that comes back is silence. How can I keep this up?

    It amazes me when the muslims I know discuss earthquakes & other calamaties/tragedies that happen as Allahs Ahzab or punishment & wrath. Look how many we have seen over the years most recently in Japan. Allah seems to have more time sending his Ahzab than responding to his supplicants or saving hundreds of children in war-torn countries, you know, they type that lose a leg after bombing or lose their whole families. Then we all go back to him asking for his help to be with the same kids who he couldn’t be bothered to protect in the first place.

    I want to know though, how do you deal with the ‘jahannam’ aspect. Thats whats making it hard to just let go… I’m like what if I get this wrong, then its eternal damnation. I cant say to Allah on judgement day “Well you just went a.w.o.l, so what did you expect from me?” Islam just expects/demands this “do it or else” ultimatum. I understand that the concept of Heaven & Hell were written down centuries before Islam in the Egyptian Book of the Dead predating Islam over 1000 years I think… I still believe in those concepts but I guess that was my christian/jehovah witness upbringing, some habits are hard to drop.

    Ive heard theories as you may also have, that Islam was concocted by the Vatican to mislead the masses & I guess under organized religion as long as they are controlled then job done. Indeed the Vatican have many sacred texts of islam including old qurans so who knows what knowledge they are concealing. I used to get comfort knowing that when Im gone from this crazy world I can hope to see my place in Jannah & know I will be in eternal bliss but I feel myself just getting more angry with & drifting far from Allah & surprise surprise one friend I thought really close has just turned his back on me.. I have now deleted his number. I knew him since my shahadah… How fickle muslims can be.

    I wonder that Allah can really exist now, because if he does, he is just ignoring a simple cry for help & willing to see 17yrs worth of muslim fall by the wayside. I wonder if other ‘murtads’ felt the same way. Reading Ibn Warraqs book & some of the other notables on your blogroll have opened my eyes to so many things. I questioned so much during my 17yrs, & was always told I ask too many questions, that I should just have sabr & keep making duas. Jeez how much of that can you do without reply? I felt uneasy about a lot of things from ayats of quran to certain things the prophet did, or didnt do & felt that there were so many contradictions in the Quran.

    I also felt that that reading some surahs there was nothing ‘so special’ about them, there is a repetitive nature running through the quran, how many times does sentences such as ‘as for the believers, they will be in jannah’ come up. I think the quran says if the oceans were ink for writing then they would become exhausted & Allah would still have more to give, but when you read its 6666 pages, you can see that these sentences are like a kind of space filler. I wondered why so many people got offended when books like ‘The True Furqaan’ was revealed. I read some excerpts & to be honest it sounded like quran. Allah made the challenge but when did he ever say anything about killing anyone for attempting it, thats the purpose of a challenge is it not? Yet again these blood-thirsty muslims demand blood & want to kill everyone whilst insulting non-muslims by calling them kafrs(As a young muslim even I done this) & demanding respect and tolerance for Islam. You are now added to my favorites & I will check your blog regularly. My wife too only about a week ago removed her hijab & she loves feeling the wind in her hair. She is from an asian family with strict upbringing. She ran away to marry me & I know she will never leave Islam, but I now wonder how complicated things will get if/when I get the confidence to renounce this religion, after all she would be living in sin with a kafr or worst yet a murtad which is even worse according to Islam..

    Sorry for the long post…

    • Hi Rasheed and welcome aboard.

      I am glad to hear you are mulling over leaving Islam. Hopefully I can give you that final push over the edge to freedom. Not exactly the type of dawah Muslims would like is it? 😉

      I remember when diabetics and other people with medical issues were really messing themselves up due to fasting based on original fatwas that stated a person couldn’t take medicine while fasting. Probably after some Muslims wound up in the hospital then the scholars decided to change the fatwa to say that only medicine can be taken but as little as possible should be done in the way of drinking water and such. Then they used the opportunity to show how merciful and flexible Islam is to the believer. It is only when Islam backfires on the shaykhs that they change it so that it becomes merciful and flexible.

      I too have wondered about all the calamities. When Hurrican Katrina happened here in the states, Muslims said it was due to all the lewd behavior that exists in Lousiana. Even though this is the outlook of most religious people, it is a little shocking to say it and believe it as a Muslim because that would mean Allah is deliberately sending these punishements to people before they had the chance to accept Islam. Which would make Allah very sadistic if he knew these thousands of people never heard of Islam but He decreed for them to be killed anyway. I never could understand why Allah decreed such vicious deaths of children, why Allah decreed such violent behavior to be enacted upon a child? What was His reason? But of course the only answer is ‘Allah is the Most Wise, Most Just’.

      As for Jahanam, I no longer believe in either Heaven or Hell. I planned to write about at the end of the blog but I may write it earlier seeing as though it may take me alot longer than I thought to work through everything. I’m not atheist and have no plans to be. Atheism is too restrictive for me. My personal experiences have taught me there is something more just not what religions teach. I came to terms with the aspect of Hell before I apostated because I wanted to be absolutely sure that I wasn’t damning myself to an eternity of fire and brimstone. Interestingly, with Islam there is no guarantee a person won’t land there anyway because Allah seems to be so unpredictable that just batting your eyelashes the wrong way is sure to land you in Hell for at least a day or two.

      From what I’ve noticed there seems to be two dominating factors holding Muslims on the edge from apostating altogether and they are the two you listed: the what-ifs and spouses. It was my discovery that Jesus had already been mentioned in Egyptian writings thousands of years ago that eventually blew my deen to pieces. The fact that Allah put a story in His book that was built on falsehood did it for me. I started reading about Egytians and Atum(Adam) the clay beetle and how the whole kit-n-kaboodle existed before any Abraham and any Muhammad. That’s when I realized it is all false, all make-believe stories of thousands of years of civiliations looking for a God. At that point I let my logic out of prison and examined all the questions with the thinking, rational brain. Why would God put us here to test us, tell us he loves us, but create a punishment so devastating, cruel, and heartless?

      I realized there is no Heaven, no Hell, no moody man sitting on a throne with a bunch virgins running around. It also didn’t make sense for Allah to create a Paradise that mimics life on earth. Why do we need to eat and drink in Paradise? What is the point? Why create this stuff on earth to tease people with and mess with their heads in order to see if they can forego it only to get the same thing in Jannah? That’s like telling a kid no sugar and then taking them to a birthday party! I just can’t understand why a Higher Being would want to play so many games with mankind. I do believe everyone has a soul but I no longer get wrapped up into believing souls need to learn lessons or are undergoing some kind of divine test. I see physical, human bodies as vehicles that souls use to experience life. Nothing more, nothing less. I don’t believe there are sins, there is only right and wrong and a general, uniserval system of laws that everyone is bound to. When we die, it is only our physical bodies that have expired. Souls go on being immortal. I guess at this point I would label myself a spiritual, secular humanist. I wake up, live life, and go to sleep. Repeat. Enjoy myself while doing it. Some of the basic things I’ve learned is to take care of the vehicle my soul has chosen to expirience life(body), avoid bringing injury to other living things, and stay away from mindless idealogies that prevent the experience from happening.

      A friend told me he would remain Muslim just in case. I couldn’t help but think ‘what’s the point’? According to Islam Allah is going to burn, and scald, and pierce, and pull back your flesh and all sorts of merciless acts for being a bare-minimum Muslim anyway. Why let fear continue to pin you to a belief that says God is going to punish you regardless? It is a daunting task to root it out of your system when you’ve believed in some type of Hell for ages. Trying to get rid of that thought is not easy but it can be done. And well worth the struggle.

      I haven’t heard about the Vatican(yet) but what I’ve read thus far is enough to make your head spin. Islam is a far cry from being a truth from a God sitting in the heavens. Just the mere fact that Islam can’t stand up to most lines of reasoning is enough to make anyone question its validity. I imagine that’s why Muhammad relied on the concept of eman and the ‘we hear and we obey’ concept. It’s interesting how the people who lived during his time didn’t even believe him yet millions of us are walking around like zombies repeating his gibberish.

      Yes, Muslims are indeed a fickle bunch. A friend one minute that loves you for the sake of Allah. The next minute, ready to cut your throat for turning your back on Allah. I knew a British sister that lived here in the states and she was married to a popular student of knowledge/Imam. He is from the East Coast and is currently running around London wreaking havoc over there. He was the fair-weather friend type and had alot of followers here. If he has the same type of following in London then I can only imagine how quickly Muslims will turn their backs on you. Which is all the better. The faster they leave you alone, the faster you can heal and get on with your life.

      As for the spouse issue, that is a tough one. Thankfully I didn’t have to go through that. I’ve seen one or two stories of people looking for help apostating while married. I would test the waters a little to see if she is willing to talk about it. What a mess Islam has created. People afraid to change beliefs for fear of death or losing loved ones. I hope you both are able to turn your backs on deen-ul-Islam and live a happy, fullfilled, safe, humanistic life full of joy.

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