When I started this blog, I was reeling from my apostasy and decided to take on writing as a form of therapy. I was dealing with a barrage of emotions that were building up by the hour and I needed a way to work through them. There aren’t many outlets for people in my situation outside of a couple of forums for ex-muslims. Sifting through literature about exit counseling for cults was a tremendous help as was reading about apostates of other religions as well apostates of Islam. At first I started journaling in a notebook and I couldn’t write fast enough. My thoughts were an incoherent mess on paper so I considered blogging because I knew a blog would force me to put them in order. I went back and forth with the idea because I wasn’t sure how safe it would be. But then I came across diminutivediva’s blog, then brother a. ran off with a stripper, then deconstruction’s blog and I felt encouraged to go ahead a take my little space on the blogosphere.
I’ve started blogs before but never for anything so personal. When I denounced Islam, I made a commitment to go over all the things that I had questions about before but they were never answered adequately or at all. I also decided that I would take go over every Islamic skeleton that I’d thrown in the closet in order to be able to keep my faith strong. At the time, I didn’t have any intent to try to dissuade anyone from being Muslim because I felt if they wanted to continue to believe in Islam that was their perogative. The Muslims I know aren’t trying to injure people, they just want to practice their faith(at least the good parts). I didn’t feel them to be any different from any other person that follows foolishness so, to each his own. I was, at one point and time, one of them.
So that is how I have moved forward with my blog, by building my story of my life as a Muslim to see what I did wrong and going into other topics that I wanted to explore for future reference. Each post takes alot out of me. They often take a couple of hours to compose and leave me feeling spent. However that is not a bad thing as that is part of my objective, to rid myself of every ounce of Islam by owning up to the contradictions and effect it has had on my life. What I have written thus far doens’t even make a smudge in the dust therefore this journey may take me a few months.
Evolution of a revolution
What I find interesting however is that my objective has gradually changed with each post although unintended. As I answer a question, a new one(or two) arises so I hunt down the answers to those as well. It is the secondary questions that have yielded some startling results and taken me in a direction I never intended to go. My quest for understanding has opened a can of worms. Some of the troubling information I have since come across includes:
– was Muhammad even real? As Muslim you just accept it as gospel, there is no reason to question his existence. As an apostate, you see things through a different lens. There aren’t any solid sources outside of Islam that places a Muhammad in the Hejaz region in 610-632 A.D.. Not even Saudi has been able to conjur up anything although it seems they are champions at bulldozing over whatever evidence may have existed.
– if Muhammad was real, there is overwhelming evidence that suggests he was in what is present-day Yemen and not present-day Mecca. I am still piecing all of this together but even the bits and pieces of information present a strong case that Muhammad was never in present-day Mecca. So then the next question becomes who created Mecca and Medina and why?
– was Muhammad Jewish? Again, there is alot of information that points to the fact that he may have been from the very people he despised. Since there are two ways to be Jewish(by lineage and by conversion), in this sphere I mean by lineage. Many important words from the Quran are Hebrew as I have learned which alludes to his tribe and people being Jewish. It seems scholars try to water down this fact by saying the words are of Assyrian root which is a clever way of weasling out of saying they are Hebrew. Does this sound familiar: Melekh, El Echad, Tsaddik, El Sali? Of course they do because they are Hebrew words for Arabic: Malik(King), Al-Ahad(the one), Sadiq(truthful), and As-Salih(virtuous). Ironically, MDNH(medina) is mentioned in the Book of Ester in the torah/bible but it is not Islam’s Medina. According to the Hebrew meaning it means city. It interesting that medina al-munarrawwah means CITY of the prophet.
– did Muhammad preach for more than three years? Scholars often refer to important dates in terms of Hijrah which can be very confusing. They also intertwine Hijri dates with modern calendar years without making any clear distinction between the two which is misleading. Add to that the fact that Himyarite era in present-day Yemen had a different set of years and the plot really thickens. Why is this important? Because it would put Muhammad in Yemen as a Prophet for only three years and then he died. All the books of seerah have this eerie silence over the first three years of prophethood and then boom, Muhammad decides to get very active. So the next question would be if that’s true then who wrote the rest of the Quran?
– is there a second person on the scene in the Muhammad duo? In the past , I’ve had the sneaking suspicion and alleged that Allah was merely a figment of Muhammad’s imagination. Now I’m beginning to wonder if Muhammad was actually a Messenger of Allah but not the Allah that Muslims imagine. Some of the verses in the Quran clearly read as though Muhammad is being spoken to but definitely not by Jibreel. I find it interesting that there is the mention of many Kings during Muhammads time and that many of them were known to take the position that they were God/Allah. Most Kings had scribes and messengers and one King in particuliar, King Dhu Yazan, gave particuliars to Abd-Muttalib about his grandson(found in an account of the biography of Muhammad). So then the question becomes was Quran being recited to Muhammad by another person and not made up in his mind?
All of these things(and many more) led me to some troubling theories, theories that will be hard to prove with my research being limited to the internet and the fact that little archeological evidence exists to support Muhammad, Mecca, and Medina. But what is even more troubling is the fact that people are ruining the lives of others on a religion that is built on sand. This is when it really sank in that women are oppressed and beaten, people are murdered, and lives are ruined for a doctrine that may be completely false. Because of this, my objective has evolved from being therapeutic to the need to help rid people of this awful belief system. Right now my primary focus is my children. I’ve moved from letting them choose what’s comfortable for themselves to making it a point that they understand Islam is false. Because they still have Muslim family,I have to equip them with all the knowledge I can that will keep them from being sucked back in. As for the Muslims I was close to, all but one have blacklisted me and will not talk to me so my what I learn will not be of any aid to them.
I’m beginning to see that I can’t let 14 years of experience go to waste. I understand things from a perspective that the most highly-skilled undercover agent will never be able to understand because I have lived it. I will admit that on most days I just want to fade off into the sunset and forget that I had been Muslim for so many years. But as the days pass, there is a evolution of a revolution happening in the soul of a former muslimah and perhaps it is my time to initiate change no matter how small it may be.